Tuesday, February 28, 2012

I Challenge You!

You may have heard me mention a great many times on my show that I feel we need to man-up as a country. What better way than to bring back dueling? Maybe not actually gun fights, but we should at least be allowed to call an impromptu sparring match.

See, I'm a firm believer in free speech. You should be allowed to say whatever you want, whenever you want. However, you should also be regulated by the knowledge that if you say the wrong thing to the wrong person, there is a chance you'll get your ass kicked.

Now THAT'S freedom!

It seems unlikely, though, especially considering how wussified our society has become. Even if we were allowed to engage each other in combat to settle our scores, we would NEVER be as manly or awesome as the men in the following stories.

I give you THE 5 MOST INSANE DUELS EVER! (Stolen from Cracked.com)

5) The Hot Air Balloon Duel - You read that correctly. Back in 1808, two dudes in France got super pissed at each other to the point where they had no choice but to start shooting. But then, they decided to raise the stakes by raising themselves into the air in hot air balloons! The first guy to shoot completely missed his target (including the gargantuan balloon) even with the use of a SHOTGUN because he sucked at everything. The second man, however, blasted a hole through his opponents balloon and, well, death rained down from the sky.

4) The Billiard Duel - Pretty straight-forward: Two guys (again, in France) were playing a simple game of pool when they were suddenly overtaken by the urge to kill. Rather than pistols, though, they opted to throw BILLIARD BALLS at each other until one of them was dead! The man that was the first to throw boldly proclaimed, "I am going to kill you on the first throw." Then, being a real man and true to his word, hit the other guy square in the forehead, killing him instantly.

3) The Naked Gun - Two guys are about to duel (in England this time) when one of them strips naked. He was actually doing this with the knowledge that bullet wounds weren't the main cause of death in duels, but rather infection as a result of the musket balls pushing dirty clothing deep into the wounds. Still, his move to duel in his birthday suit was enough of a psych-out to cause the other guy to back down (I'm assuming because the sight of the naked guy's undoubtedly large package made him feel inadequate, but that's just my theory).

2) The Cab Duel - Two military officers (yet again in France) had a swordfight, probably over an argument about who could slay more ladies. One of the combatants, Barbier-Dufai, easily disarmed his opponent four times in a row. Since he was a real man, he didn't want to best this pansy with such a huge advantage. That said, the two men then jumped into the back of a horse-drawn carriage (into a space roughly the size of an airplane bathroom), tied their left arms together, and started stabbing the sh*t out of each other with knives! Barbier-Dufai was a champion of manliness, though, and so he still won even on a level playing field.

1) The 19-Year Duel - Probably one of the most legendary stories of badassary is the nearly two-decade-long duel between French (seriously, what the hell is with France's deep passion for fighting to the death? Are they all suicidal?) douchebag Francois Fournier-Sarloveze, and man-king Captain Pierre Dupont. These two hated each other on the level of Peter Griffen and the Chicken. Dupont refused to use guns because Fournier was a better marksman, and so they used swords instead. The duel then went back and forth over multiple encounters that spanned the course of NINETEEN F***ING YEARS! Finally, Dupont decided he wanted to get married and had had enough of this bullsh*t game of cat and mouse with Fournier, and so they met a final time with guns as their weapons. Following one last, decisive battle in which Dupont tricked Fournier into emptying his ammunition on a decoy, Dupont leveled his gun at a cowering Fournier but let him go on the grounds that he never pretend to be anything but a bitch again. Dupont may not have taken Fournier's life, but he took something far more precious...his man card. They parted ways and Fournier, not wanting to continue to live as a non-man, did the honorable thing and killed himself. *That last part may or may not have been made up by me.

Three things...

One: If you think any part of this blog isn't awesome, you are not a man and deserve to be roundhouse-kicked in the nut-less patch between your legs.

Two: We DEFINITELY need to bring back dueling! Some people just deserve to have their asses handed to them, and no one should have to go to jail for doing society that service.

Three: If you're in the habit of fooling yourself into thinking you're a real man, don't ever go to France. Those people over there will duel you right in the mouth, and your trashy, Jersey Shore-esque attitude isn't going to keep Phillipe from sticking his glaive in your neck.

1 comment:

  1. You are correct Crisco...some form of Mutual Combat laws are needed so when two people have a problem that can only be solved by handing someone their ass it can be done without the fear of jail,,,myself personally I would even welcome dueling with swords but that is just because I was started on sword training at the age of 10...I am by no means a master with a sword but I am competent and confident enough in my skill to accept a duel.......Carpe Nocta My friend.