Saturday, February 28, 2009

Crisco's Rock Manual: Chapter 1 - Devil Horns

During my time as a DJ for 97.9X, I have come to notice that many so-called rock fans are not privy to how things actually work in the world of rock. Therefore, I have gone out of my way to construct this multiple-installment series for you to reference whenever you are unsure of something rock-related.

Today, we shall begin with what I think is one of the most confused aspects of rock: The Corna, or Devil Horns.

In the picture, the Devil Horns are correctly executed. Notice that only the index and pinky finger are extended. The middle and ring finger are tucked in and covered by the thumb. This is the CORRECT way to brandish the Devil Horns. Learn it.

By throwing up the Horns, you are telling the world, in a very simple way, that you are rocking and/or being rocked. When you use the Horns, you are implying that something seriously awesome is occurring within your vicinity, such to the point that you can't help but pack all of your anger, hate, and aggression into one hand gesture!

Times when it is APPROPRIATE to use the Horns include but are not limited to:
  • Rock shows/concerts
  • Sporting Events
  • Roller Coasters
  • Family Portraits
Times when it is INAPPROPRIATE to use the Horns include but are not limited to:
  • The Mall
  • Within a 1.37-mile radius of Coldplay and/or their music
  • When you are a President responsible for screwing up the United States (Google: George Bush horns)
  • In the background of a TODAY Show broadcast.

Now that I have covered what the Devil Horns ARE, I will proceed to discuss what they are NOT.

These are NOT the Devil Horns. Get it right. This is the symbol for "Love", which has absolutely nothing to do with getting thrashed. Rock is about pain, suffering, violence, and domination. That is why rockers have done their best to legitimize fist-fighting by calling it "moshing", but that is another Chapter. The point is that we do not "love" at rock concerts, we beat the crap out of ourselves and each other.

Tuck your thumb IN or be heralded as a poser. You have been warned.

Let's get one thing straight right now, this is not Maui! You are not catching a wave! Put the "hang ten" symbol away! And while you are at it, get your ass out of my rock show! You obviously took a wrong turn, got lost, and are now confused as to where you are.

I call on all true rockers to be on watch for patrons whose use this gesture at your shows. Should you see someone make this hand symbol, do them a favor and start a mosh pit on the back of their head.

Well, that just about covers Chapter 1. This knowledge is priceless, people. Please, put it to good use.

Until next time...KEEP ROCKIN'!

Friday, February 27, 2009

New Rock from Tantric!

Yes, you read that correctly. I was filling in for Dan the Man tonight when I happened to notice that Tantric (whom you might recall shares a decent relationship with 97.9X...Top Secret Show #12 anyone?) had posted a Bulletin on MySpace:

Get ready folks! More new music to come your way from Tantric. We head back into the studio march 2nd to begin work on our second upcoming release with the all new lineup again. We will be recording in all of march and april. The end begins was just the beginning of the all new Tantric and we can't wait to share it all with you once again. Spread the word army! We won't make you wait too long. We promise. We will be talking and keeping you all informed here on my space as OFTEN as we can with what's up and how the recording process is coming along.


This is definitely something to be excited about! You heard it FIRST with 97.9X!

Monday, February 23, 2009


Really? They are forcing me to play basketball now? It's no secret that I am absolutely horrible at basketball. I shoot underhanded for pity's sake! But my management is telling me that I have to do it so I guess the purpose of this entry is to get you to come watch myself and the rest of the 97.9X DJs FAIL!

We will be taking on the Faculty and Staff of Mid-Valley High School to raise funds for their booster club or something. I'm looking forward to it though. It should be a good time and you can rest assured it will be hella fun to watch.

7:00p on March 6th! Be there, fool!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Coldplay Rocks...not!

Rock Album of the Year, my ass! The Grammys just lost what very very VERY little credibility they had left. Metallica comes out with Death Magnetic, and you give Rock Album of the Year to Coldplay?! Give me a break! The only time that Coldplay actually rocks is when they aren't bothering to try to make "rock" music. And I say try, because regardless of the effort that they put in, nothing that I have EVER heard from a Coldplay album actually ROCKS by any variation of the word's definition. Something needs to be done about this.

The next time that someone tells me that Coldplay rocks, I'm going to respond by throwing actual rocks (pieces of stone) at them.

I have a blog now!

I don't know whose idea it was that all of the 97.9X DJs get blogs, but I am being told that I have no choice in the matter.

Since I am being forced to do this, I haven't given much thought as to what I'm going to put on here. I guess I could blog about my thoughts, but that could be dangerous...not to mention a liability for the company. I could steal ideas from other people, but then I might end up getting sued.

To hell with it!

I'm going to do what I want with this. At least until they take it away from me...