Saturday, February 28, 2009

Crisco's Rock Manual: Chapter 1 - Devil Horns

During my time as a DJ for 97.9X, I have come to notice that many so-called rock fans are not privy to how things actually work in the world of rock. Therefore, I have gone out of my way to construct this multiple-installment series for you to reference whenever you are unsure of something rock-related.

Today, we shall begin with what I think is one of the most confused aspects of rock: The Corna, or Devil Horns.

In the picture, the Devil Horns are correctly executed. Notice that only the index and pinky finger are extended. The middle and ring finger are tucked in and covered by the thumb. This is the CORRECT way to brandish the Devil Horns. Learn it.

By throwing up the Horns, you are telling the world, in a very simple way, that you are rocking and/or being rocked. When you use the Horns, you are implying that something seriously awesome is occurring within your vicinity, such to the point that you can't help but pack all of your anger, hate, and aggression into one hand gesture!

Times when it is APPROPRIATE to use the Horns include but are not limited to:
  • Rock shows/concerts
  • Sporting Events
  • Roller Coasters
  • Family Portraits
Times when it is INAPPROPRIATE to use the Horns include but are not limited to:
  • The Mall
  • Within a 1.37-mile radius of Coldplay and/or their music
  • When you are a President responsible for screwing up the United States (Google: George Bush horns)
  • In the background of a TODAY Show broadcast.

Now that I have covered what the Devil Horns ARE, I will proceed to discuss what they are NOT.

These are NOT the Devil Horns. Get it right. This is the symbol for "Love", which has absolutely nothing to do with getting thrashed. Rock is about pain, suffering, violence, and domination. That is why rockers have done their best to legitimize fist-fighting by calling it "moshing", but that is another Chapter. The point is that we do not "love" at rock concerts, we beat the crap out of ourselves and each other.

Tuck your thumb IN or be heralded as a poser. You have been warned.

Let's get one thing straight right now, this is not Maui! You are not catching a wave! Put the "hang ten" symbol away! And while you are at it, get your ass out of my rock show! You obviously took a wrong turn, got lost, and are now confused as to where you are.

I call on all true rockers to be on watch for patrons whose use this gesture at your shows. Should you see someone make this hand symbol, do them a favor and start a mosh pit on the back of their head.

Well, that just about covers Chapter 1. This knowledge is priceless, people. Please, put it to good use.

Until next time...KEEP ROCKIN'!

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