Saturday, July 4, 2009

Crisco's Rock Manual: Chapter 3 - Moshing

I know, it has been a while. But, finally, I am back with yet another installment of my Rock Manual for you greasers to reference. With Mayhem Festival fast approaching, I felt it was very important to make Chapter 3 all about our favorite concert activity: Moshing!

As has been previously stated, Rock music (Metal in particular) is all about violence. While grabbing someone by the throat and hurling them across an expanse is frowned upon in normal society, at a Rock concert it is completely acceptable and even encouraged. By calling this in-concert activity "moshing", we have managed to create an acceptable excuse to beat the crap out of one another. Picking a fight is no longer a crime so long as there is some kick-ass Rock music within earshot. Take that, society! We don't play by your rules here!

Before we discuss how to mosh, I will first give a brief history of moshing.

It is believed that moshing began in Orange Country, California. During a show, somebody in the crowd decided to beat the hell out of another concert-goer and the onlookers thought that it looked like fun and decided to do the same. Soon the whole crowd was fighting each other, and the band, thinking that it was awesome, told them to "keep mashing". However, since most of the people in the crowd were bleeding from the ears by that point, what they thought they heard the band say was "keep moshing". The people who were involved with the first mosh then went home and bragged to their friends about how much it ruled, and so then their friends wanted to be cool too and tried it themselves at the next show. Eventually, the practice spread and there you have it...the birth of moshing.

Now that you know how moshing got started, we can talk about moshing itself, such as how it is properly executed.

Moshing normally takes place in an area of the concert floor commonly known as the "mosh pit". Keep in mind that the mosh pit has no pre-designated location. The pit can appear anywhere and there can potentially be multiple pits occurring at once.

There are three types of mosh pits: the Circle Pit, the Box Pit, and the Wall of Death.

Circle Pit: A circle pit forms when a group of concert patrons simultaneously go crazy and begin shoving each other around. Once this happens, the crowd around the moshers will open up in the form of a circle and surround them. After the circle has formed, the patrons inside will engage each other and start pounding on one another. You may then chose to observe from outside of the circle or you may want to jump in. Be aware, though, that anyone who may wander inside the perimeter of the circle is fair game.

Box Pit: According to the Alphabet of Manliness, the other type of mosh pit is the box pit, sometimes called the "Blood Box". The box pit usually forms at the area directly in front of the stage, spans from wall-to-wall, and is separated from the rest of the crowd by a wall of frightened onlookers. Fights within the box pit tend to be more intense and will typically last longer than those in the circle pit.

Wall of Death:

Speaks for itself.

Now that you have created a mosh pit, a mosh pit has been created around you, or you have fought your way through the crowd to reach the mosh pit, there are a few patented moshing techniques which I learned from the Alphabet of Manliness that you may consider using.

1) The Human Javelin - This one only works for the big, strong guys. What you do is find a short, skinny guy, pick him up, and throw him head-first toward a group of patrons like a javelin. If you should end up being the short, skinny guy...enjoy the flight and remember to tuck your chin. Easy enough and self explanatory.

2) Breakneck Bowling - Pack yourself into a ball and have a strong buddy of yours roll you toward a large pack of patrons in an attempt to knock them over. Don't forget to extend your arms and legs upon impact to increase the effect. If you are feeling especially hardcore, stuff yourself into a garbage can and do it that way.

3) The Battering Ram - As if you can't figure this one out already, you have a group of guys pick you up horizontally and charge through the crowd. If you are feeling exceptionally confident, you can use your dome. If you happen to be fearful of cracking open your skull and letting the yolk get out, then extend you hands forward. But, seriously, which method rules harder?

Now that you have a few good moshing techniques at your disposal, we have to remember to address the issue of moshing etiquette.

An important thing to remember is that moshing is all about fun and we aren't actually trying to hurt each other. It is generally understood that you help people up after they fall down so they don't get trampled and avoid intentionally causing serious injury. Bumps and bruises are going to happen though. This isn't badminton. Man up.

Well that about does it for this entry. If I remember to add something else, I will. Keep it here for Chapter 4.

Until next time...KEEP ROCKIN'!

Some of the material in this blog is not original and was referenced from or inspired by the "Alphabet of Manliness" by Maddox.

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